my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
