u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
