I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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