Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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