you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
