i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
