Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
