I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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