I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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