all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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