I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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