I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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