Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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