The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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