Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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