I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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