just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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