You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
