please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
