So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
