I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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