if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
