My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
