yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
