I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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