Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
