i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
