apparently the secret to your success is patron
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
