I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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