I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
