Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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