Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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