i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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