come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Two words: nipple clamps
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