Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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