I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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