I hate your face
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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