I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
