Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
