I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
