dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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