Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
