ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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