I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
