the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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