I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
