I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
