he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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