i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
