Your face is a jimmy john
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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