sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
