He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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