i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
