Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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