your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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